As you may know, we recently had a miscarriage caused by a partial molar pregnancy – a rare abnormality resulting from 23 extra male chromosomes. I want to thank you for the extraordinary support I have received from Jake, my family and close friends, and I am so thankful for the unbelievable outpouring of kindness, hugs and words of wisdom from hundreds of you. I am so fortunate and grateful for your love, empathy and generosity. We are not alone in our struggles, and your love lifts me up, keeps me going and reminds me that I am truly blessed.
Dealing with the miscarriage has certainly been traumatic, and for the next 7 to 12 months my blood will be tested every two weeks to see if I still have elevated hCG hormone levels, abnormal tissue growth, or even cancer in my uterus. We won’t be able to get pregnant for at least nine months. I’m still experiencing hormonal issues that create a lot of weird physical, mental, and emotional side effects. As you might imagine, I sometimes I feel sad, unworthy and have hefty expectations to get my body, attitude and life back to “normal.” I’m really trying to live Above-the-Line.
With perfect timing, I re-discovered this poem that spoke to me:
The Guest House, by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Reflecting on this poem, I ponder the gifts in our current circumstance. This year I’m definitely hosting an unwanted and uninvited guest that will be staying with us for at least the next 7-12 months. The elevated hCG hormones and abnormal cell tissues are now my guests as well as my teachers. They are giving me extra time for learning, healing and growing. My body and womb are a garden, and I’m being compelled to learn from and tend that garden and nurture my body, mind and soul. I am now really taking care of me and giving myself a ton of self-love and care. This is an unexpected opportunity to trust the timing of everything and to simply love myself and live in alignment with my Highest Self. Things will work out when they should and my life will unfold precisely as it is supposed to.
My body will get back to normal…maybe not in the 4 weeks that my thinking-mind wanted me to believe, but the extra weight gained during pregnancy will shed in my body’s own natural time. My hormones will level off returning me back to balance. I am letting go of attachment to the outcome and trusting the wisdom of my womb to heal as it needs to. In the meantime, I’m trying to be particularly aware and take special care to avoid cruel and demeaning thoughts and self-imposed pressure that can create a cycle of self-sabotage and self-loathing.
In the poem, The Guest House, Rumi shows us that the entirety of our human experience is a valuable portal to new awareness. Life can be messy, but none of it is to be discounted as unnecessary or even avoidable. Each guest, wanted or unwanted, has something to offer. When you can stay open to that gift, accept and learn from each feeling and experience, you can then heal your broken parts, expand, grow and evolve your soul to bring you back to wholeness.