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What I learned about losing my baby

9AAEC9AD-354B-4B96-A90C-11C39F41FA45Warning: there is graphic descriptions and language,

so please stop reading if you will be offended

 

Jake and I married last year and decided to get started on making a family right away – and I got pregnant the next month. That man has some strong swimmers. Our pregnancy started out great. I felt really good under the circumstances, although I must admit that I was eating like a linebacker.  At about 8 weeks, we shared the good news with our family over Christmas.

Three weeks later our doctor performed an ultrasound that showed that the baby had died at 8 weeks and 4 days, just a few days after Christmas. We’re aware that miscarriage is common, especially in first pregnancies. Even so, I lost it as soon as we left the doctor’s office, sobbing all the way to the car with Jake holding me the entire time.

There’s a lot of emotion that boils up when you have a miscarriage, especially the shame, guilt and second-guessing. What did I do to cause this? How could I have prevented the miscarriage? I shouldn’t have eaten all those sweets, or I wish that I’d worked out more (or maybe less) and taken better care of myself.

Through yoga and meditation, I have learned that our ego tries to control every outcome, but in so doing it often creates more suffering and resistance. I remembered that it’s only when we can surrender to whatever the moment offers us that we can receive the gifts and lessons and reconnect to the ease and flow of life.

So I surrendered and came to terms with the reality that our baby was not meant to be born now and that the universe must have a different plan and another path that is greater than mine.

However, just when you think you’ve surrendered…the Universe will often show you how to surrender some more. 

Even though I had a miscarriage, we had to decide on the optimal way to discharge the unborn fetus in my womb. There are three options (1) a natural miscarriage where we simply wait and hope it comes out naturally without infection or other complications, (2) a medical abortion that is induced by pills, or (3) a medical surgical abortion known as a D&C.

On top of all of this, we were going to Kauai on our honeymoon that same week. Although the timing was terrible, we told the doctor that we wanted to try to pass the fetus through a natural miscarriage if possible.

However, upon further examination of the ultrasound, the doctor informed us that a natural miscarriage was not an option, and that I had to undergo a D&C (i.e. suction) surgical abortion as soon as possible. Evidently, there was some abnormal growth around my uterus and the tissue needed to be tested. The only option was the highly invasive surgical D&C abortion…our last choice.

Surrender…then surrender some more.

I’m already grieving from the loss of our pregnancy, and now we need more tests.  But tested for what? It turns out that I may have had a molar pregnancy, which would, if true, mean Jake and I have to wait another 6-12 months before we even try to get pregnant again… yet another year older, with even higher chances for miscarriage.  Once again, there goes my plan.

Surrender…then surrender some more.

Worse yet, there is a small chance that the material in my uterus might be cancerous and we will never be able to bear children. Fucking Cancer and no babies! I felt like the Universe just took away my hope and handed me a big ole’ shit burger of disappointment to chew on. I was angry, overwhelmed, confused and felt that all of this was outrageously unfair.

The surgical abortion was excruciating. Imagine a zookeeper letting an angry tiger with claws and fangs into your vagina for 15 minutes – that’s what it felt like. Jake was with me all the way, encouraging me to breathe and massaging my eyebrows. He is my amazing rock.

They brought me to the recovery room where I cried by myself replaying a pity party in my head about how I am a victim and all of this is so unfair. Jake and I really want and deserve to have a family. Why is God doing this to us? And on top of all of this, I was pissed that I gained 5 pounds + 4 inches on my waist and 2 inches around my ribs. Instead of getting a baby, I got surgery! I went through all of the bloating, constipation and gas for nothing. I was feeling pretty bitter.

I took a few deep breaths and a sense of calm and peace washed over me. I breathed my way back to presence.

Surrender…then surrender some more.

There was nothing I could do about the miscarriage, or the type of abortion that I had to endure, or whether I will or won’t be able to personally give birth to our children or the timing of all this in conjunction with our honeymoon. The more I tried to control the outcome, the more I suffered. I was deep into my limited perspective, condemned in a small box, following just one path.

The only way to freedom is to surrender to that which the present moment is offering us, let go of control, and trust that the universe has a plan for us. It’s only when I can surrender and go with Life’s flow that I can break free from the small box, and open my heart to the unlimited paths and gifts of the universe.

We all have the power to choose a new perspective.

Instead of resisting my circumstance, I am coming to terms with our reality and working on staying open to the lessons from this experience. The universe showed us that it wasn’t the right time for this baby to make it into the world. The invasive surgical abortion was needed so that the tissue could be tested and we can hopefully have a healthy baby in the future.

Surrender…then surrender some more.

Although we still want to have children of our own, maybe we will need to have a surrogate mother or adopt a child. Whichever path we take, I know Jake and I are meant to be parents and have a beautiful family. We may just need to redefine what family looks like and means for us. Although we planned to enjoy a healthy pregnancy and a romantic honeymoon, I can now see that this was divine timing that created an opportunity to heal together in sunshine and sand just days after the surgery.

I am not in total acceptance yet, but I am working on it. I am working on seeing the gifts in all of this. I believe that things don’t always turn out as we plan, but they always turn out the way they are supposed to. I’m working on letting go of my perfect plan in order to surrender to something greater. I’m working on trusting that we are taken care of, that there is a path even when I can’t see or understand it. I’m working on breathing my way back to love and grace.

Isn’t that the real work?

 

 

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30 Responses to What I learned about losing my baby

  1. Jessica February 6, 2017 at 7:06 pm #

    So sorry for your loss. When it’s meant to happen it will happen. Thanks for being so honest.

  2. Phyllis February 6, 2017 at 7:22 pm #

    Dear Audrey, I am so sorry for you and your families loss. Give your self time to morn your unborn. Don’t worry about age or time. Keep trying and when you are ready and it will happen. You are so strong, healthy, and you and jake will make the perfect parents with a loving home. God has big plans for you. Thank you for Sharing your story. Love and light to your mom and dad. I can only imagine how distraught they are too.During kula yoga I shared stories with your mom about my grandsons and she seemed so hopeful that someday she would become a grandmother. I look forward to future messages about babies coming into your lives no matter how they get here. Much love. ❤️

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:24 pm #

      Thanks Phyllis
      Great to hear from you! Everything has been great. It was a wild ride, but now we are just settling into enjoying each other. We will try again this winter or early next year. Who knows what will happen…but it will be exactly where we need to be at that time. Miss you!

      xo
      Audrey

  3. Fellow woman February 6, 2017 at 7:27 pm #

    You are courageous and strong to be able to talk about it.

    May you get to peace againg and get more wisdom and light along the way!

    Wishing you the best!

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:23 pm #

      Thank you for reaching out! Hope you are doing well. It has been a transformation ride, but a good one. :)

  4. Maggie February 6, 2017 at 7:39 pm #

    Audrey! Oh my goodness, my heart is feeling for you. What courage in sharing this story, and moving through the pain and disappointment with hope. We really never know what’s going on with other people, do we? I took a class from you two weeks ago and remember thinking that day, ‘look at her-she’s so beautiful and kind and happily married-her life is perfect.’ And despite what was happening in your life, you were givIng so much to make others feel better. I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience, but I know there are lessons to be taken and life is unfolding as it’s meant to. You are going to be an incredible mama when the time is right!

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:22 pm #

      Awww, thanks so much Maggie! It’s amazing how we can look at someone else and think “they’ve got it together,” when do we ever really have it together. We just have to be in the moment and accept and find the joy in that moment, whether we want it or not. We can always find the lesson and joy. Hope to see you soon!

  5. Eric Rabena February 6, 2017 at 7:40 pm #

    Audrey,

    My heart goes out to you and Jake. I am sorry for your loss, and for the consequential drama that followed the loss of your baby. How are you doing? If you ever need a friend, you know Adrienne and I are here for you… rooting for you… in full support of your journey.

    You are resilient beyond comprehension. Really, there are no words to express. I hope you’ve mourned completely, and continue to heal from this tragedy. Your surrender into the hope and trust that the universe will deliver unfathomable gifts is inspiring, and I am certain you will enjoy the fruits of what’s to come.

    Love, healing thoughts, and all that mushy gushy stuff.

    Eric

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:21 pm #

      Thanks Eric! Looking forward to spending more time with you guys. Have a great day!

  6. Devon February 6, 2017 at 7:55 pm #

    Ohh my sweet, beautiful friend. My heart goes out to you and Jake for what was (and undoubtedly still is!) an extremely difficult experience. It is SO very tough to trust in/surrender to a greater plan when faced with such fear/uncertainty/disappointment… but the payoff is peace and space for healing. You WILL see this through. My thoughts and prayers are with you both…I love you. XO
    D

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:20 pm #

      Thanks Devon!It’s all part of the journey, right? God has a way better and bigger plan than we could ever devise. I hope you are doing well. You’ve been on my mind a lot lately!! Let’s catch up with a phone date soon!

  7. Deirdre Boath February 6, 2017 at 8:38 pm #

    Wow! Thank you Audrey for your vulnerability, honesty and humility. This is where all the deposits into our emotional well being account are now debited. You’re an amazing human being and I’ve only met your hubby the once and felt his light as well. I too know that feeling of… Surrender…then surrender some more. Know that you are an inspiration, this is not for nothing and… You are not alone <3 Love and light to you! xo

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:19 pm #

      Hi Deirdre,
      Thank you for reaching out! Surrender is so tough to do, but it’s the only thing to do. Thanks for your inspiration too! Hope to see you soon.
      xo

  8. michele February 6, 2017 at 8:43 pm #

    Audrey – I am inspired by your transparency, strength and spirit. You are an inspiration and are truly doing your purpose. So much love and soul. Thank you.

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:18 pm #

      Thanks Michele!! Hope to see you soon :)

  9. Chelley February 7, 2017 at 3:08 am #

    Your wonderful Spirit has once again shown you a way through painfully raw experiences and emotions to a place of grace and gratitude. Selah
    Thank you for sharing your experience so soulfully, eloquently and with so much wisdom.
    We are SO blessed to enjoy you and Jake in this community and know that some day you will be the most grateful and loving parents.

    Blessings to you both,

    Chelley
    #herwellness

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:18 pm #

      HI Chelley,
      thank you for taking the time to respond to my blog. I’m glad it touched you. We are feeling blessed :) Have a good day.

  10. haneen February 7, 2017 at 4:57 am #

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You should check out the “ihadamiscarriage” instagram page. It is quite powerful, painfully/beautifully uplifting <3 praying for health and healing for you both and a phenomenal future pregnancy xx

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:17 pm #

      Thank you. I will check it out! I appreciate your support :)

  11. Luisa jaramillo February 7, 2017 at 5:34 am #

    Hi Audrey, we miss you so much here in west palm beach, i am so sorry and at the same time hopefull to hear your story. Lately i have been learning about the violet flame and how it can help in situation like this. Maybe you can find some comfort with this tool, just google violet flame.

    Lots of love

    Luisa

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:17 pm #

      Thank you Luisa. I will check it out! Miss you too!! xo

  12. Shawn Smith February 7, 2017 at 1:35 pm #

    Dear Miss Audrey 1st my heart goes out to you and Jake as i totally understand what your going through as ny 2nd child was lost and a D&C was also performed on my now ex-wife. Please remember even though Jake is standing there being your ROCK right now he is also grieving and his emotions are running wild on the inside as well.
    Please remember God has you and Jake in the plan he has,chosen for you which you might not see it or ever understand it but believe me God does know what he is doing. Right now your child is in the hands of our Lord and Savior Jesus and feels no pain or discomfort and is looking down on you as you are and always will be the childs MOM…..
    You can Jake are both in my prayers. I know that you are a extremely strong and beautiful Lady stay strong stay focused and ROCK ON

  13. Thiago February 7, 2017 at 9:14 pm #

    Oh wow Audrey, how powerful!
    My thoughts are with you and Jake.

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:16 pm #

      Thanks Thiago! We appreciate your support. We have really grown together from this experience. Hope you’re doing well. :)

  14. Kristie Driscoll February 8, 2017 at 6:26 pm #

    Beautifully written Audrey… Do not give up!!!!! I am sure it was an overwhelming experience but next time will hopefully be better….

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:16 pm #

      Thank you Krisite! I appreciate your support :)

  15. Cathy Geier March 8, 2017 at 3:28 pm #

    Dear Audrey,

    I am so sorry you have been through this experience. Your brave and honest words of emotions and hard decisions shine through for others as guideposts. Loss is so hard to understand. Hugs an dmore support coming your way, Love Cathy

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:15 pm #

      Thank you Cathy for reaching out!! This means a lot to me :)

  16. Carolyn Johnson May 24, 2017 at 6:06 pm #

    This story resonates soo much with me I read it with eyes filled with tears.. Is there a way for me to contact you personally so I to may share my similar story with you and maybe you can offer me some sort of direction to the path I am not quite sure I on.

    • Audrey July 18, 2017 at 3:15 pm #

      HI Carolyn,
      Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. This means so much. Yes, please keep in touch. My email is audrey@yourblissfulsoul.com. I’m here to help you :) we are all connecting in our stories, our suffering and in our joy.
      xo
      Audrey

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